Category Archives: Philosophy

Unhandled JESUS_FOUND_EXCEPTION thrown in HelgasLife.cs at line 25, column 4; Astrology blog creation stopped immediately

(1) Imagine you’re in a life crisis.

(2) Imagine you have just given away bleep-loads of money, messed up a potential relationship and made the realization that all the worldly things just don’t cut it.

(3) Imagine you want it to be OVER because you find life pointless.

(4) Imagine you reach out for help from a psychic, and instead of getting help there, you’re being hit by a ray of light and your emotional pain is healed completely.

(5) Imagine sitting in your office on a gray and cloudy day and suddenly noticing a hole in the clouds with a rainbow blinking out. (No, really!!)

(6) Imagine then bumping into a guy who tells you that your encounter with him is the answer to a prayer from a missionary somewhere in Southern America who is constantly hearing the voice of Jesus.

(7) Imagine being shown by Jesus that this is not a pickup-line, but the TRUTH.

(8) Imagine being told by the missionary that Jesus healed you at some point. Remember (4) and almost get knocked off the chair you’re sitting on.

(9) Imagine… oh crap. Nobody can imagine that!!!

Sorry guys! But my life will never be the same! I decided to dismiss all the occult practices and studies from my life because I finally found the REAL thing.
I know for CERTAIN now that a human being is more than just a neuro-biological finite state machine and that life is more than just a deterministic-but-uncalculatable series of events – contrary to what my researcher brain had suggested.

Miracles DO happen.

Don’t believe me, find out for yourself:


Experiential Report: Transit Pluto Conjunct Natal Neptune

Prelude: To all astrologers who claim that the above mentioned transit is “insignificant” and that its impacts are rather “subtle” and “impalpable”… I’d like to give A Big Fat Double Cheesy Mac Middlefinger.

I’ve experienced the last progression of this transit during the past summer (I’m not fully but almost done with the last of 3 degrees orbis) and it’s been nothing less than a ride on an emotional rollercoaster, without seatbelts. What officially happened back then is documented in the article “Knockdown”.
Long story short, my sister rebuilt a part of the house she inherited and I was financially and emotionally very involved. (She had her first return of Saturn at that point in time, in the 8th house – that connection is obvious, I think).

But that was only one of three progressions, and each of them hit me.


Not like a slap in the face. Rather like noticing that I’d been free falling… in the very moment when I hit rock bottom. But hey, that’s what Neptune is known for. It veils the most obvious things.

Note: NEVER EVER make life decisions when your natal Neptune is affected by a transit. You’ll feel great while doing it – but you’ll regret it as soon as the veil falls.

Neptune is in my 5th house, by the way. It is the house of pleasure and life force, of childhood and children, close friends and love affairs. Basically all of these topics have been affected by the transit.

My daughter started with kindergarten. I lost my best male friend by pairing him off with a psychopath (FELT great – WAS wrong, as mentioned before). My best female friend is still with me (Thank God!!) but she also found someone, and she’s really busy trying to have babies now.

I will withstand the temptation to go into deeper detail about my own romantic life.
Just let me put down one painful truth I learned during the transit – which now doesn’t feel painful any longer, because Neptune, after all, is a healer too.


Romance is like a beautiful day in autumn.
You are foolish if you demand it to persist, because indeed, it is a gift.
It is neither granted to you nor to anyone at all.

The only safe place in the world is in your heart, in your soul,
and when everything falls apart, you will notice that.

Love is not about reaching a “safe haven”.
Not about sharing a bed with someone. Not even about sharing a life with someone.
It’s not about harmony. Damn well, it’s not about harmony.

I’ve seen my parents secretly admitting that they still love one another after 20 years of divorce.
Beyond all the fights an injuries, beyond the separation and the obvious failure… this overwhelming force is making it all look so miniscule.

There is no escape.
There will always be this one love so much greater than you.

It will mock at the life plans you make with your tiny little intellect.
Mock at your attempts of sugarcoating something that for sure isn’t love.
Mock at YOU if you put anything above it.

So forget about safety, forget about promises, forget about calculation.
Love finds you, inevitably.


Having understood this, and fully indulging in that understanding, I need to ass-kick myself to do more coding again right now. 🙂


My summer and autumn of 2011 were totally taken in by my sister’s project of tearing down and reconstructing a huge part of our parental house.

Finally getting it done was a huge relief. Parts of the house were so decayed that most people would not believe me that I spent the first ten years of my life actually residing in that house.

A few days before the final demolition, I took some pictures. There were tears in my eyes.

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These were really moving moments to me. This was NOT at all about something as banal as architecture.
It was about making peace and saying goodbye to my childhood. For good.

Healing hands

This time I cannot promise that my post makes any sense, or at least deeper sense (as usual). I simply promised to publish pictures of my hands on my blog, which my colleague Johannes Hieslmair made, who is currently writing his Master’s thesis in the context of Machine Vision.

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Nothing more to say, actually?

As I am sitting here, I am wondering about quite a few stories that the hand pictures might be able to tell.

One of them is told by the gesture of crossing middle and ring fingers. It is a gesture that I started making a lot, unconsciously, ever since I started belly dancing. You may never take these two fingers apart, because they are supposed to hold your veil (even if you dance without it). It’s my story of rediscovering and learning to love the softer, more feminine part of me again, after having gone through childhood full of divorces and violence against women, after having gone through a male dominated education, several male dominated jobs, and the assimilation that goes with it. But that story is still being written, so I’ll let go for now.

One other story that comes to mind is that of healing hands… well, of feeling hands at least. I am having sort of a coming-out now as I am telling you that I’m gifted (or maybe rather cursed) with the ability to feel human auras with my hands. You may feel tempted to brand me as an esoteric nutcase after that statement, but it’s true. I feel it all the time, and it’s there. And because it’s there, I cannot ignore it. And because I cannot ignore it, I am restless all the time. Being a methodically thinking researcher and having supernatural sensations is quite a bit of a contradiction, and I’m aware of that. But it’s also cool. Being aware that science is never finished, realizing how intangible truth really is, gives you a view on life that is amazing. You cannot go wrong. Life is a journey, and whatever you do, it is full of promise.


-- --------------------------------------------------------------
-- Author: Helga H.    
-- Date: 05/01/2011
-- File: coalesce.sql
-- --------------------------------------------------------------
-- you know you're seriously damaged when you're trying work and 
-- no matter what you do, you can't stay focussed.
-- the encounter with a single little sql keyword totally puzzles 
-- you and makes your thoughts drift away,
-- wondering about the meaning of love, 
-- of human relationships, 
-- of transcendence.
-- wondering, if loneliness is a natural feeling or just plain 
-- pathological. 
-- you close your eyes.
-- yin and yang. day and night. body and soul. mind and matter.
-- why would you miss that non-existant significant other 
-- so painfully if you were to be without it?
-- where does the yearning come from?
-- your eyes open without you actually wanting it.
-- there is your desktop. and your screen. 
-- and that stupid little cursor thingy blinking at you.
-- so you hack on.
-- --------------------------------------------------------------

SELECT * FROM sakura WHERE (shadow LIKE COALESCE($S, '%'))
startdate <= year(now())+1

Embarking on a journey

I don’t know where I come from, I don’t know where I go.
I have started a journey and I simply cannot turn around and go back, act as though nothing had happened.

I cannot make the things undone that I did. I cannot make the things unseen that I saw. Whatever I felt, it has been graved into my heart.

Every journey starts with a single step. It doesn’t even need to be a step forward.
It can also be a step backwards or even better: A step inside.

I step inside to discover the beauty of me.
I take a step backwards to see the beauty of others.

There are so many white spots left on the map of my soul.
Quietly, I’m embarking on a journey to discover them… and to fill them out with their true colors.

What really counts

If you read the About section, you’ll learn a few things.  You’ll learn that I’m a white & nerdy female computer scientist, a chaotic single mum and a researcher in her early twenty-somethings. You’ll read it and you’ll probably say ‘wow’ or ‘yuck’ or simply hit the X button and click me out of your life.

Deep in my heart I’d rather like to stay anonymous, like in good old Web1.0 times, and cheat myself through the world with a male pseudonymous. But however, this is Web2.0, life doesn’t go backwards… and maybe, just maybe, there’s something good about having to reveal my true self. (Well, at least my mundane identity.)

True self. HA HA. As if I knew who that is!

Honestly. I have no idea.

I’m here to explore.

I’m here because I want to express myself. I want to redesign my life. I no longer want to be the overworked, undersexed single mum with the unshaved legs and the grey complexion and the permanent bad mood.

I want to dance with bare feet until I get dizzy.

I want to laugh until my belly hurts.

I want to fall in love – and this time I want it to be so electrifying, that I’ll be giving off sparks. Not just sparks, fireworks. Not just fireworks, supernovas.

Go ahead. Stalk me. Google me. Read out the About section. But the bold lines above… they are what really counts.